


My Life With the NachoManRandyRavages Wild Wild Thrill Ride

by NachoManRandyRavage



Category: AO3, Fandom - Fandom
Genre: Amusement Parks, Animatronics, Bondage, Carnys, Library, Memento mori, Other, POV Second Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-29
Updated: 2017-03-29
Packaged: 2018-10-12 11:11:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10489584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NachoManRandyRavage/pseuds/NachoManRandyRavage
Summary: What if there was a Slashfiction ride?  What would that look like?





	

After a long day in the hot sun at Non-Descript-Joe’s Non-Descript-Theme-Park-and-Funtime-Experience, you find yourself in the corner of the vast lot. The kitschy monorail looms far overhead. Not much is around except for a few families meandering like lost puppies. You spy a bench in the shade and rest your weary legs. Your feet and theme-parks have an adversarial relationship, and you welcome the respite.

Taking in this forgotten section you notice that most of the buildings are in fact nothing but a facade. This is annoying for the simple that that after your rest you intended on visiting the “candy store” for a little snack. So much for that!

A rather large, bewildered extended family stumbled into the street-that-time-forgot and you watch as one of the furry characters, El-Rando the Wonderful pops into the street and rounds up the family, leading them out like the pied piper. After a few minutes you notice as a carney walks out of the “Library” door. He gives you a little wink as he sneaks out.

“Well then…” You say to yourself eager to explore a hidden area of the park. You try the door, and find it unlocked. Stepping in, a wall of dusty heat caresses your face, the musty smell of slowly decaying used books washes over you like a warm comfortable blanket. The motes making lazy brownian random walks through yellow sunbeams. An old dog is baking in the sun on the rough wooden floor. You’re not sure if it’s real or a set piece until it lets out a shuddering sigh.

You might have found the best ride in the park.

Setting in, you start to browse the books. The library itself is well stocked with row upon row of books. It dawns on you that this library is much bigger than you anticipated. Finally you come to a little nook, with a sign above it titled “Fan Fiction”. Your heart jumps. You wonder if it’s possible to get a library card from this library!

On the other side of the nook is a doorway leading down a dark hallway. Do you dare enter it? Do you dare not to? Curiosity overrides fear as you step through the threshold, the musty smell and warmth of the library following you. As you snake your way through this hallway you notice the walls have gigantic cartoonish representations of computer monitors, each with sections of writing on them. Some of the phrases seem familiar somehow. The sounds of machinery start to come into the fore the further you weave yourself deeper through the tunnel.

Finally you get to what appears to be an unexplored ride of this park. The operator smiles at you, and gestures you into a waiting chair in front of a desk, with the whole contraption sitting on a track. You step in and he brings down the over-the-shoulder restraint and finishes off with a set of leather wrist and ankle shackles, locking you firmly to the chair.

“This seems a tad excessive for a rollercoaster ride don’t you think?”

He grins and winks and not breaking eye contact he slowly reaches over to the lever and gives it a long pull. Your chair slides into the desk and it’s top left corner is lit up by a spotlight, shining on a previously hidden skull. It’s eyes light up and it gives a deep laugh.

“Ho ho ho! Hello, my name is Morrie, and welcome to the ride! Now that you are strapped in I think you’re ready for some fun.” His spooky eyes beam at you and his toothy grin is deeply unsettling. What have you gotten yourself into?

“Only one thing remains: Lemon? Or Lime?” As each option is “spoken” by the skull, a light illuminates the bottom right of the desk with 2 buttons just barely in reach of your hands.

Which one should you choose? What the hell, Lime it is. You strain your restrained hand to reach the green button. At first nothing happens when you press it, but then your cart takes off like a rocket, smashing through the doors and into a darkened hall.

To either side of you are tall figures, glaring at you. Morrie speaks up again, “In the old days of Fandom, writers would have to hide their desires and their fictions, sharing them with only the closest of friends for fear of being shunned from the wider community.” The cart dips slightly and the figures get taller, looming over you like vultures their eyes glowing red with anger.

“Freak!” they call out. “Weirdo!”, “Pervert!”, “Sicko!”, “Adulterer!”

The voices run into each other, getting more frantic and angrier. Finally you curve into a new room and the cart slows down again. Beside you is an animatronic suit.

“I am U. R. Hosed of Gouge, Screwem and Bilk; Barristers and Solicitors. You are being served with 20 counts of copyright infringement!”

Another suit pops up on the other side, “I’m from Fox and I am going to take you for everything you own!”

Suddenly the form of Anne Rice, which looks more like a lich, jumps in front of your cart screaming something unintelligible about money and ownership, then your stomach jumps into the back of your throat as you fall straight down, the skull of Anne Rice quickly becoming a point as you plummet deeper into this crazy ride. Finally it slows, but the darkness is still all around you. You hear whispers…

“What’s the password.”

“Hey, do you want to read my Backstreet Boys Fanfic?”

“Don’t tell anyone…”

“Do you think they’ll tell the mods about our RPF…”

Morrie speaks up again as the cart slowly glides up a steeply inclined track “In the early days the only thing worse than getting sued was getting discovered that you wrote RPF.”

“You could get shunned, disowned, unfriended and even fired! Why the only thing worse than that is…”

The cart slowly glides into another room, this time in pure white with the track leading practically straight down into a giant square stone.

“WRITERS BLOCK!” and he lets out an evil cackle as you slowly inch closer to the incline. So much for ride safety! Before you know it you are zipping down and Morrie the skull sneers “500,000 characters left!”

The cart bursts through the block and the track flattens out into a lazy circle. There are giant rainbows and flags everywhere. Pride fags, Transgender pride, rubber pride, poly pride, leather pride, lipstick lesbian pride, asexual pride. There are flags you don’t even recognize. Hankies of every conceivable colour, pattern and design hang down from the ceiling.

You spiral upwards into the room, seeing an unending cast of the cutest of animatronic characters. There is Sam and Dean and even Castiel from Supernatural! Oh look, it’s Snape and Dumbledore! And hot Benniduck-CumberSmutch of Sherlock! Boy band after Boy Band! Dom and the gang from The Fast and the Furious! Stitches and ICP! You Tubers line Dan and Phil! George and Kramer from Seinfeld! And Team Fortress too!

All of the figures dancing and singing along to a cutesy tune:

“Slash Masters and Mistress  
Fans showered in more than just kisses!

Slash Masters and Mistress  
Fans showered in more than just kisses!”

Finally the kinetic energy is almost spent as you reach the top of the room and slide through another door labeled “Post Without Preview” and again your are sent down a vertical section of track, the wind racing past your ears. Gravity—and your tummy—does a weird flip and you’re desk-cart is shooting upwards again. Displayed on your desk is a hit counter quickly spinning upwards… tens… hundreds… thousands… you hear “pings” as the kudos counter starts climbing well into the thousands.

“Well, it seems someone wrote a hit!” Morrie grins his evil grin.

Finally the cart bursts back through a final set of doors and the smell of the library is present again. The carney winks at you and helps you out of your cart.

“There’s no line up, would you like to go again? Maybe try… ‘Lemon’?”

**Author's Note:**

> The song the animatronics are singing is [here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/9281699)


End file.
